Final thoughts ...

The daily challenges were a bit of a mixed bag. On Sunday, I discovered I didn’t have any socks. I found some in  the dirty laundry hamper, but even after I’d run them through the wash - using a squirt of dish detergent, since I’d run out of laundry soap and already exhausted my budget for the week - it turned out one of them had a huge hole in it. Fortunately, I had seen my mother darning socks when I was a child so I pulled out some sewing supplies and a light bulb, and patched the hole as best I could. I got a few more days wear out of those socks and rose to the challenge. 

I thought about that afterward - how disposable everything is these days, and how the constant exchange of money for stuff is just a given for so many of us. And such a challenge for so many more. Quantity really does seem to trump quality these days …

On Monday it was my turn to bring a treat to share with my coworkers in the office. Looking around at my stash of chili and a few leftover chips and dips, I elected to work from home that day. I had no money to buy anything, and while it had been a great meal with a group of friends I didn’t see it as a coffee break treat and I chose to avoid the situation altogether, rather than coming up with an excuse. 

Tuesday’s challenge was a lifesaver, with my much more solvent auntie inviting me out for lunch. You really appreciate these little luxuries so much more when they are few and far between …

And finally, Wednesday’s challenge put me over the edge - literally and figuratively. An extra $3 bank charge. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you’re already riding a zero balance more often than not it does, literally, put you in the hole. At the bank, they look at that as borrowing and they charge you interest for ‘letting you use their money’, as well as a penalty for using it without their prior permission. So the next deposit is already reduced by the amount you’ve gone in the hole. Leaving less for the next week. Possibly creating a larger overdraft. And so it goes - endlessly digging in deeper and deeper. Unless some kind of windfall comes along to save the day and keep you out of the hole. At least for awhile, until some unforeseen and unavoidable expense comes along to re-start the overdraft cycle again. 

By last night, I am embarrassed to admit how glad I for that this challenge to be over. As we were all gearing up for it last week, Nan pondered how people can spend time exploring larger social and political issues if they are always thinking about survival. I found myself reflecting on that a lot during this week, after hearing the verdict in the trial of the man who shot Colten Boushie. Sure, I was thinking about how I was going to survive the week. But I also couldn’t stop thinking about what I was hearing and seeing on social media. 

On the one hand, I was outraged at the injustice of the whole situation. On the other, I was not at all surprised at any of it, and found myself wondering what was the point - of anything. Really living in poverty means having a number of cards stacked against you. The system is always on the alert for some fraud you might commit, and ready to claw back every extra buck you might make. With all due respect to the well intentioned people who work in it, my experience was generally of being made to feel ‘less than’ people who didn’t need their help. Maybe that’s some kind of personal baggage I’ve carried from ‘family of origin’ issues, but it’s not the best attribute to nurture if you’re trying to help someone succeed. So when something as outstanding as that verdict comes along, my sense is that it adds yet another weight to an already soul-crushing burden. You can’t help but think about it. You explore it all right - but from a sense of helplessness that verges on hopelessness. 

Fortunately, I do have a small but mighty support system that is always there to assure me there is hope and to walk with me until I’m feeling a bit stronger again. It’s these key relationships that have always kept me connected, and energized me so I could keep going against what sometimes seems like all odds. Without that, I never would have arrived where I am today. With humble gratitude ...